Favorite math and science jokes

[PHY]

Here are some of favorite math and science jokes. I've gathered most of them from various places on the web. Enjoy.

Q: What do you get when you cross fifty female pigs and fifty male deer?

A: A hundred sows and bucks

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Q: What did the baby acorn say when it grew up:

A: Gee, I'm a tree! (Geometry)

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Q: What did the ship captain say when his ship got bombed?

A: Deck a Gone!

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Q: What do you call a tall coffee pot while it's making coffee?

A: High pot in use (hypotenuse)

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A physics student once got the following question in an exam: "You are given an accurate

barometer. How would you use it to determine the height of a skyscraper?" He answered,

"Go to the top floor, tie a long piece of string to the barometer, let it down 'till it touches the

ground and measure the length of the string." The examiner wasn't satisfied, so they decided

to interview the guy:

"Can you give us another method, one which demonstrates your knowledge of Physics?"

"Sure, go to the top floor, drop the barometer off, and measure how long before it hits the

ground..."

"Not, quite what we wanted, care to try again?"

"Make a pendulum of the barometer, measure its period at the bottom, then measure its

period at the top..."

"...another try?...."

"Measure the length of the barometer, then mount it vertically on the ground on a sunny day

and measure its shadow, measure the shadow of theskyscraper..."

"...and again?..."

"walk up the stairs and use the barometer as a ruler to measure the height of the walls in the

stairwells."

"...One more try?"

"Find where the janitor lives, knock on his door and say 'Please, Mr. Janitor, if I give you

this nice barometer, will you tell me the height of this building?'"

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Two hydrogen atoms were out walking.

Suddenly one said,

"I've lost my electron!"

The other one asked,

"Are you sure?"

Said the first one,

"I'm positive!"

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| Cartoon Law of Physics |

+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+

Cartoon Law I

=============

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its

situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in

midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this

point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II

==============

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter

intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are

so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize

boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called

this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III

===============

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to

its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of

victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so

eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving

a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often

catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV

==============

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or

equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral

down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably

unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V

=============

All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them

directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's

signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a

chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character

who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,

especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI

==============

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's

head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places

simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning

or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self- replication

only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity

required.

Cartoon Law VII

===============

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel

entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is

known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent

will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is

flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.

This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII

================

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might

comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-

pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a

few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or

solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX

==============

Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X

=============

For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the

physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it

happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law Amendment A

=======================

A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a

character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B

=======================

The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent

objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road

Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law Amendment C

=======================

Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D

=======================

Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine

suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first,

causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will

begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall,

tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions

until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E

=======================

Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon

laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which

postulated that the tensions involved in maintianing a space would cause the

creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick

sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces

generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B,

which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta

to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy

result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

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CHEMISTRY CHRISTMAS SONGS

1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town

2. I'm dreaming of a white precipitate

3. Silent labs

4. Deck the labs

5. The twelve days of chemistry

6. Test tubes bubbling

7. O little melting particle

8. We wish you a happy halogen

9. Chemistry wonderland

10. I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine

11. O come all ye gases

12. We three students of chemistry are

13. Iron the Red Atom Molecule

14. Lab reports

15. Silver nitrate

*1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town

--------------------------------------

You better not weigh

You better not heat

You better not react

I'm telling you now

The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

He's collecting data

He's checking it twice

He's gonna find out

The heat of melting ice

The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

He sees you when you're decanting

He knows when you titrate

He knows when you are safe or not

So wear goggles for goodness sake.

Oh, you better not filter

And drink your filtrate

You better not be careless and spill your precipitate.

The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

*2. I'm Dreaming of a White Precipitate

---------------------------------------

I'm dreaming of a white precipitate

just like the ones I used to make

Where the colors are vivid

and the chemist is livid

to see impurities in the snow.

I'm dreaming of a white precipitate

with every chemistry test I write

May your equations be balanced and right

and may all your reactions be bright.

*3. Silent Labs

---------------

Silent labs, difficult labs

All with math, all with graphs

Observations of colors and smells

Calculations and graph curves like bells

Memories of tests that have past

Oh--how long will chemistry last?

Silent labs, difficult labs

All with math, all with graphs

Lots of equations that need balancing

Gas pressure problems that make my head ring

Santa Chlorine's on his way

Oh--Please Santa bring me an 'A'.

*4. Deck the Labs

----------------

Deck the labs with rubber tubing

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Use your funnel and your filter

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Don we now our goggles and aprons

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Before we go to our lab stations

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Fill the beakers with solutions

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Mix solutions for reactions

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Watch we now for observations

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

So we can collect our data

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

*5. The Twelve Days of Chemistry

--------------------------------

On the first day of chemistry

My teacher gave to me

A candle from Chem Study.

(second day) two asbestos pads

(third day) three little beakers

(fourth day) four work sheets

(fifth day) five golden moles

(sixth day) six flaming test tubes

(seventh day) seven unknown samples

(eighth day) eight homework problems

(ninth day) nine grams of salt

(tenth day) a ten page test

(eleventh day) eleven molecules

(twelfth day) a twleve point quiz

*6. Test Tubes Bubbling

-----------------------

(to the tune of Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)

Test tubes bubbling in a water bath

Strong smells nipping at your nose.

Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow

Will find it hard to be inert tonight.

They know that Chlorine's on its way

He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh

And every student's slide rule is on the sly

To see if the teacher really can multiply.

And so I offer you this simple phrase

To chemistry students in this room

Although it's been said many times, many ways

Merry molecules to you.

*7. O Little Melting Particle

-----------------------------

(to the tune of O Little Town of Bethlehem)

Para Dichloro Benzene

how do you melt so well?

The plateau of your cooling curve

is really something swell.

We think the heat of fusion

of water is so nice

Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole

and what you get is ice.

*8. We Wish You a Happy Halogen

-------------------------------

We wish you a happy halogen

We wish you a happy halogen

We wish you a happy halogen

To react with a metal.

Good acid we bring

to you and your base.

We wish you a merry molecule

and a happy halogen.

*9. Chemistry Wonderland

------------------------

Gases explode, are you listenin'

In your test tube, silver glistens

A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight

Walking in a chemistry wonderland.

Gone away, is the buoyancy

Here to stay, is the density

A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight

Walking in a chemistry wonderland.

In the beaker we will make lead carbonate

and decide if what's left is nitrate

My partner asks "Do we measure it in moles or grams?"

and I'll say, "Does it matter in the end?"

Later on, as we calculate

the amount, of our nitrate

We'll face unafraid, the precipitates that we made

walking in a chemistry wonderland.

*10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine

-----------------------------------------

I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine

under the chemistree last night

They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart

to take a peek

At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;

it was neat.

And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine

under the chemistree so bright

Oh what a reaction there would have been

if the principal had walked in

With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.

*11. O Come all ye Gases

------------------------

O Come all yea gases

diatomic wonders

O come yea, o come yea

calls Avogadro.

O come yea in moles

6 x 10 to the 23rd

O molar mass and molecules

O volume, pressure and temperature

O molar volume of gases at S.T.P.

12. We Three Students of Chemistry Are

---------------------------------------

We three students of chemistry are

taking tests that we think are hard

Stoichiometry, volumes and densities

worrying all the time.

O room of wonder

room of fright

Room of thermites

blinding light:

With your energies

please don't burn us

Help us get our labs all right.

*13. Iron the Red Atom Molecule

-------------------------------

(to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)

There was Cobalt and Argon and Carbon and Fluorine

Silver and Boron and Neon and Bromine

But do you recall

the most famous element of all?

Iron the red atom molecule

had a very shiny orbital

And if you ever saw him

You'd enjoy his magnetic glow

All of the other molecules

used to laugh and call him Ferrum

They never let poor Iron

join in any reaction games.

Then one inert Chemistry eve

Santa came to say

Iron with your orbital so bright

won't you catalyze the reaction tonight?

Then how the atoms reacted

and combined in twos and threes

Iron the red atom molecule

you'll go down in Chemistry!

*14. Lab Reports

---------------

(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dashing through the lab

with a ten page lab report

Taking all those tests

and laughing at them all

Bells for fire drills ring

making spirits bright

What fun it is to laugh and sing

a chemistry song tonight.

Oh, lab reports, lab reports,

reacting all the way

Oh what fun it is to study

for a chemistry test today, Hey!

Chemistry test, chemistry test

isn't it a blast

Oh what fun it is to take

a chemistry test and pass.

*15. Silver Nitrate

-------------------

(to the tune of Silver Bells)

Silver nitrate, silver nitrate

it's chemistry time in the lab

Ding-a-ling, with a copper ring

soon it will be chemistry day.

Take your nitrate, in solution

Add your copper with style

In the beaker there's a feeling of reactions

silver forming, blue solution

Bringing ooh's ah's and wows

now the data procesing begins.

Get the mass, change to moles

what is the ratio with copper?

Write an equation, balance it

we're glad it's Chemistry Day.

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Integral z-squared dz

From one to the square root of three

Times the cosine

Of three pi over nine

Equals log of the cube root of 'e'.

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Q: Why did the compute scientist die in the shower?

A: Because he read the instructions on the shampoo bottle: Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

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Q: Why do computer scientists confuse Christmas and Halloween?

A: Because Dec 25 = Oct 31

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This poem was written by John Saxon (an author of math textbooks).
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

Or for those who have trouble with the poem:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.

[ANDREW]

Huh.....so funny indeed......I think this is an another

way to express the mathematics......Well anyhow the basics

of any subject is what matters above all .....


cheers!!


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Mental Math

[Celestemmcknight]

He-Man and G.I. Joe are in my top ten as well as Voltron and never forget - Mighty Mouse original
Gargoyles was cool also.

Everybody loves the Muppets
Fully loaded 9mm w/silencer says "Everybody loves the Muppets....right?"